The truth hurts and lies worse. How can I give anymore when I love you a little less than before?
Guess she gave you things, I didn’t give to you.
Don’t forget me, I beg. I remember you said… Sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead.
You look at me, now, like this and think “This is who they were all along.”
But this is just who I am to other people. And you became other people.
One more tomb
Looking at the desecrated tomb of our-no my memories, I no longer bow my head with respect, silent shame or regret of it’s passing. I now look to the heavens and I feel the light rain on my puffy face – no smiles, no tears. What lies underneath this blank: an empty cave in my heart, filled with trinkets of yesterdays brought in by the mynah who steals from the forgotten crevices of the mind, lies.
But I will refuse to mourn again when I have already died, the me you grew to hate and love. She exists only in that tiny hole dug up so deep it risks getting caved in from excessive contact.
Now, today, at the moment and onwards I am someone else, not because I have to or want to, because that’s how it is all planned out by the greater being who charts out the map of the universe, plants the stars in our eyes, and gives sight to the blind.
Hold on? No more. I let go. I let go of my life, the factors I cannot predict, control or anticipate at least with regards to this. A prayer. Amen. Born again.
#20
The beach. The water. You. Me.
The rest of the world; friends or foes.
No care. No presence. No difference.
Just us in a sea of mixed emotion. Lip on lip, heart on heart. Melding together and drawing apart.
Relapse: Confusion
To have chunks of your memories missing complementing your heart full of holes, doesn’t really help clear up the mess of the inside.
Something about Friday just wasn’t right.
It’s so easy to spiral out of control. I keep scaring myself. D told me to fight it. But what’s there to fight but air and wind.
My mummy just told me, “But you should never date a club boy. It never works out.”
#8
A curious thing about relationships is… As two people with lives intertwined, the relationship never stops changing. And the natural thing to do when faced with change is to hold on tight. But that is precisely what started the death of love. The desperation and loneliness.
Trying wasn’t enough because the faith is gone. Why till the end did I want to try again? Was I still in love? No. Did I still love him? Perhaps. But I do believe I couldn’t let go until I knew that it was all I could do and nothing more. When the love was surely gone from him. I knew he made the right choice and if I stayed it wouldn’t really change a thing. We were no longer the person we fell in love with. And we were not people we would fall in love with again.
The pain on retrospect came from the feeling of abandonment. When he didn’t abandon me, still wanting to be my friend, it became clear what hurt. I just wanted to hold on to something, knowing it would never come back. There are so many moments between us I have to let go. I should because holding on to them serves no purpose if they will turn me bitter. It is sad we have to come to this. But… We stopped being happy. This is the one chance to be happy again.
We couldn’t heal if we were still hurting each other.
#4
There were times I was so sure you’d break my heart. And surely like any boy you did, even if sometimes with no intention and other times just because that was just who you were. But at the end of the day it doesn’t take a genius to find out that I would be a masochistic idiot and break my own heart without your help. You only cracked me carelessly but I took my own heart and broke it.
